Every parent has, at some point, had a picture in their mind’s eye of the perfect child.  And when the reality doesn’t match the picture, then the journey to fix the child begins — to shape and mould the child to get them as close to picture-perfect as possible.  We are usually unconscious of the game we are playing until someone points it out to us.

There are any number of ways to help a child to fulfil their potential, many of which are appropriate and well-intentioned, from extra sports coaching, to extra lessons to therapy, and of course a belief in one’s own child (all of which can be taken to extremes)   Indeed, it is part of our responsibility as parents to provide a secure emotional environment and a physical environment rich with learning experiences and opportunities. However, in the words of a very wise teacher, there comes a time when parents must allow themselves to mourn the perfect child and accept who their child is with all their strengths and weaknesses too.

No child is perfect. No child has it all or does it all.  Children need to be loved for who they are, for the very essence of their being, and not for what they can do or what they achieve.  This can be a bitter pill for parents to swallow, especially around exam and assessment time when gaps, weaknesses or inadequacies tend to be highlighted.

Celebrate your child and work with what was left in, rather than constantly trying to put in what was left out.  Be realistic.  Be their best cheerleader and, no matter what, love them for who they are.  Their time to shine might not yet have arrived.  This is why we must also wait in wonder and watch with awe.  Sometimes the best gift is that of a little more time.  There is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.  Most of us are!

Nikki will be discussing the importance of rhythms and seasons for children and families sometime after 6.15am tomorrow.  Tune in for some creative ideas.

“Nikki Bush is evil. She told my mother I could only watch TV for two hours a month!”

(A Foundation Phase learner overheard speaking to her friends in the playground recently.)

One of the challenges of being a 21st century parent is that we are drowning in information and opinions around the raising of our children, largely as a result of technology and connectivity.  Information and knowledge are in plentiful supply but much of the inter-generational wisdom has fallen away with the rise of the nuclear family, and large geographic distances separating extended family.  Instead, we listen to experts “who should know”.  Empowered, intuitive parents and common sense parenting skills seem to be in short supply.

My theory is that we are parenting too much from our heads and not connecting with our hearts and our intuitive gut feel – our sense of ‘knowing’.  This is because head and heart have become disconnected due to our busyness and multi-tasking, fragmented lifestyles, affecting our own inner confidence and self-esteem around the more emotional issues of life.  Many parents fear making the wrong choices or suffering the consequences of any mistakes they might make.  Take heart, children are not quite as fragile as you think and you can make course corrections along the way!

Few parents have realised that parenting is about learning and growing with their children, on the run, as life unfolds in it’s often crooked line.  Spanish poet, Antonio Machado said: “We make the path by walking on it.”  No two parenting paths are the same and yet we mentally compare ourselves to others all the time. We wonder, “What does this look like from the outside?” instead of asking ourselves, “How does this feel on the inside, for myself and my child?”

So what should we do with all the information that we acquire on our parenting journey from books, TV and radio programmes, talks and workshops?  And never discount the car park chatter – the information that moves like wildfire along the school grapevine can have a very powerful effect on us when we are not feeling very confident.  The trick is to take it all in, internalise it, mull over it, chew on it, measure it against your value system, feel it in your gut and then keep what resonates for you and spit out the rest.  Let it go.  If you need it, your conscience will be pricked again and you can always go back to it and adopt it at a later stage.

Referring to the quote, or misquote, from the little girl at the top of this article, it should actually read two hours per day of total on-screen time and not only two hours of TV only per month!. I did have a quiet giggle when this comment was emailed to me a few days after speaking at the school, but I was also saddened by how disempowered parents feel that they have to actually tell their children word for word what they learnt in a parenting workshop, and from whom, quite literally giving away their own power and credibility in the eyes of their child.

Parents, you need to position yourselves as experts in your own homes!  Yes, none of us knows it all, and we all make mistakes.  Make them confidently, rather than tentatively, with all the skills, knowledge and intuition you have at your disposal.  All of parenting is an adventure with attendant risks.  Once you have acquired some new information and you have filtered it through your system – the head and heart of an expert (you are, after all, the perfect parent for your child), then own that information and find a way to incorporate it into your parenting without making a big thing of it in front of your child. Quietly adopt change as if it was any other day of the week and not necessarily something extra-special.  Then you will find that your children will accommodate the changes easier, possibly without even noticing, and will be following you as the leader and expert in your own home.

There is a saying, as within so without, which refers to the interconnectedness of all things and all people. If you want to see changes in your children, that change first starts with you.  Very often just a shift in your own perception about something, or your commitment to using your time slightly differently, can have a powerful knock-on effect without you actually having ‘to make your child do something differently’ or without having ‘to fix your child’.  It makes parenting a whole lot easier.  Perhaps you should give it a try and at the same time it will quietly position you as an expert in your own home.

One of the problems with busy families is that we lose the plot from time to time and forget many of the important basics that contribute to family sanity, cohesion and effectiveness. And then we wonder why things aren’t working or why they are falling apart. Panic sets in because kids become unmanageable, parents feel they are no longer in control and they stress out. Self-doubt and a drop in parental confidence follows. Feelings of disempowerment and guilt flood the system. The kids are now reacting emotionally or behaviourally to a lack of clear leadership. The cycle of therapy with specialists begins because — the children are the problem.

Hmmm….. Are they, or are we?

The first step in avoiding this trap is to take back your power by relooking at your daily family routine, or lack thereof. You can make life far easier for yourself if you adopt the basic rules that functional families all over the world follow – they are simple and few:

1. We, the parents, are in charge.

2. There is a time to go to bed at night and time to get up in the morning.

3. There is a time to eat.

4. There is a time to tidy up after you have untidied.

5. There is a time to do your homework (once the child is at school)

6. There is a time to bath or shower.

7. You speak to your parents with respect.

The list above is taken from my book Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008) in which we quoted well-known psychologist, Dr Dereck Jackson whose clarity on this topic cuts straight to the chase. Our families get out of sync for a variety of reasons that can range from lack of parental focus due to financial, relationship or work stress, to being on an extended holiday, or having a house guest come and stay for week blowing normal routines out of the water.

When we lose the plot, our children try desperately to find it for us, and it can become a bloody and messy affair. Find your way again by following the simple guide above and see just how quickly your problem children become nice again. Try it. It’s cheaper than therapy and you get to take charge again in a firm, calm and sensible way without hysterics. Never disregard children’s bad behaviour because it is often just a warning signal – a red light flashing – for you to sit up and take note, and furthermore, to take action to find the plot again.

If you want to take back the reins and have more fun with your family, why not join me for my new workshop Children Living in the Red Zone, Parenting on the Run, or my Future-proof Your Child / Love Languages evening with Carol Bailie? Talk about spoilt for choice! You will leave inspired and empowered with practical take-home tools you can put to good use immediately.

There are moments in every parent’s life when their child turns on them and says things in anger or frustration like, “You’re such an ugly mother, you’re so horrible!” On Thursday morning I will be discussing the importance of parents “being the boss” and “holding their line”.  The interview is scheduled to air at 6.40am but tune in at 6.30am in case it is a few minutes earlier.