Facilitate : Make easy; create opportunity; promote action/result

Mentor : Experienced and trusted advisor; coach

Coach : Tutor; trainer

While mentoring, coaching and facilitation are words commonly bandied about in business circles, they apply as much to parents as they do to company executives. They are precisely the kind of techniques that parents are being encouraged to use in bringing up their children today!

Does this mean that discipline is going out the door, or that our lives must become totally child-centred? No, on the contrary, says educational psychologist Ilze van der Merwe. “When you facilitate someone’s growth and development (whether they are an adult or a child), you create opportunities to help them learn and discover the lessons for themselves, while you facilitate and manage the process. Because you are the parent, you are an experienced and trusted advisor to your child, perfectly positioned to take on the role of coach.

“As we are all becoming aware, the best form of learning is through personal experience because it creates a meaningful learning experience – one that will be remembered and understood so that it can be used to make important life decisions. Empowering children by allowing them to make their own choices starts early on with things such as:

• choosing to tidy up after playing with toys or not
• saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
• saving or spending pocket money
• whether to wear the red or white T-shirt

Gaining experience in decision-making as a child, through the experience of having to make choices, will help to develop a more empowered teenager who will be better able to handle more adult choices with confidence, like:

• whether to study or play computer games
• whether or not to try smoking or drugs
• whether to have sex before or after marriage
• what career to choose

Ilze explains that the key to the choices you give your children – and this applies from around the age of three – is that you always offer two choices in any given situation, and both of them must work for you. For example: “It’s time to get dressed for school, do you want to wear the pink dress or the orange one?” This takes the stress off you, as it doesn’t matter which choice your child makes. The child is empowered and he/she must live with the consequences of his/her choice. “So you still provide your child with boundaries and limits, but they have the power of choice within those boundaries which, while providing flexibility, also teaches the following:

• you believe in their ability to make choices (self-esteem)
• empowerment, by letting them make their own choices (self-esteem and self-confidence)
• living with the consequences of their choices (self-responsibility and self-motivation)
• giving the child some positive control over his/her life (self-motivation and self-confidence)

Of course there are many situations in which giving children choice is not an option, however, facilitation is about parents identifying teachable moments during everyday events, making learning meaningful because it takes place in a real life context, like getting dressed in the morning, on journeys in the car, in the supermarket, in friends’ homes, in restaurants, and more.

Coaching your child through facilitation is a much more creative approach to parenting than the autocratic “you will do as I say” style (which takes all control away from the child), or the laissez faire “do as you like” style (which can make children feel less safe and insecure), both of which have characterised various periods in recent parenting history.

Effective facilitation requires thinking parents who are committed to their own growth and development – parents who are on the ball, have their fingers on the pulse of things, who are conscious of where they ‘are at’ personally, and where their child ‘is at’ at any given moment (emotionally, physically and intellectually). They are aware of what’s going on in the environment in which they are parenting right now, and can respond creatively in most situations.

Dr Kobus Neethling and Rache Rutherford, well-known experts in the field of creativity and intelligence, believe mentoring and coaching children by facilitating and not dictating their development is one of the key techniques in assisting parents to start playing their role with creativity, morality and dignity.

They believe that parents of the 21st century should receive special training on an ongoing basis. “If we could become the creative mentors to our children allowing their inherent passion, energy, courage, creativity and endurance to develop dynamically, I believe that man will once gain be able to perform the miracles which are part of his heritage. If you, as parent, do not consider yourself important enough to grow and develop maximally and cannot manage yourself with skill and insight, what chance does your child have, who is completely in your hands?” says Kobus Neethling.

This is the era in which parents and children alike need to constantly be growing, evolving and developing. It is an era characterised by change at a speed never before experienced by mankind, and so one of the most important traits for human beings to develop is inner stability. “If the environment isn’t stable, we need stability within to help us manage ourselves in the environment, and to stop us from literally freaking out. Inner stability will be our compass, our due North, and parents must take responsibility for helping their children to develop this strength.”

“Dealing with choices and being held responsible for decisions is wonderful practice for youngsters. It prepares them for the lifetime of decision-making required of all responsible people,” says Ilze, who trains parents in the art of giving children choices. She insists, though, that parents should not offer choices unless they are willing to make sure the child will have to live with the consequences. “Effective parents know that their children need to learn from their mistakes. Mistakes are often better teachers than parents who lecture.”

Ilze van der Merwe is an educational psychologist and play therapist. She runs the Bella Vida Therapy Centre in Gauteng. Ilze is the mother of two teenage children and she gives regular talks and trainings to groups of teachers and parents. Telephone: (011) 463-4438.

Dr Kobus Neethling and Rache Rutherford run the Neethling Group of companies dedicated to creating personal and organisational breakthroughs by developing whole-brain thinking. Among his 75 published books is the Smart Parents series, a must have for parents today. Kobus Neethling has been honoured with many awards over the past few years and was recently nominated one of the world’s top 25 most creative people. Telephone: (011) 848-0120.

I picked up my six year old son from a playdate this afternoon and he was having the time of his life. His friend’s parents are doing an alteration to their home and the boys had found a plank of wood and a few bricks with which they made a see saw ramp for their bikes. What incredible fun they had for over two hours. The exercise was creative, challenging and very physical. It entailed thinking, planning and problem solving to set it up, and then the gross motor skills of balance, co-ordination and spatial planning (how fast or slow to go and when to accelerate so that you don’t fall off the ramp). This was the perfect balancing act to the hour spent playing a computer game earlier in the day.

That hour of on-screen activity itself was also well spent playing a game called Hugo. This entailed fine motor co-ordination to move the cursor all over the screen, helping the worker ants collect food for the queen. On depositing food in the anthill, my son then had to decide on his reward - select either a worker ant or a soldier ant. This introduced thinking skills and strategy to the game. The anthill was under attack from enemy ants from time to time, so there needed to be a good spread of worker ants and army ants to deal with whatever situation arose. This game involved basic thinking and planning skills in a virtual environment.

It’s amazing how quickly children work out how the game is played and what the rules and consequences are – and all of this without actually reading a rules booklet! Come to think of it, there was no rules book or adult supervision with the bike ramp game either! Aren’t children so naturally resourceful!

It is so important for parents to help their children to develop a balanced approach to on and off screen activities. We must ensure that they are able to switch easily between the real and virtual worlds with which they engage because they do need to master both to survive in today’s hi-tech world. While it is possible to do things and visit places via technology that would never be possible in real life (remember the recent Mweb ADSL TV ad with the grandson and his grandparents?), nothing is a substitute for a real life experiences with real time consequences. A few key points to remember:

• The American Academy of Paediatricians recommends no TV for children under the age of 2.
• The rule of thumb for total time spent doing on-screen activities for children is not more than 2 hours a day (this includes TV, Playstation, computers, Gameboys, cellphone games etc).
• According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, toddlers are already watching an average of 1.5 hours of TV per day and South African children age 7 – 12 are watching 3.75 hours a day. This would be considered bingeing on screen media by the authors of The Media Diet for Kids – a good read if you can get hold of a copy.
• Don’t put a television in your child’s bedroom.
• Make sure your child continues to ask for permission to switch on the TV or play a computer game or Playstation for as long as possible. It will help you to keep control of their media habits.
• Let kids get dirty
• Encourage play dates

Keep striving for balance between high tech and high touch activities. It’s more important than you think!

NIKKI BUSH Presenter of Connecting with Children through the Noise & Clutter www.brightideasoutfit.com brightideas@powerpt.co.za

The hardest part of working and parenting is maintaining a balanced life. Some days work out just perfectly and you think you’ve discovered the magic formula, only to find that the next day the formula no longer applies. We have to accept that we are human beings and so are our children. Each day we wake up slightly different to the day before. We continue to evolve, change and grow in every area of our lives from the time we are born. Your children also have the odd bad hair day just like you and yet we think that as adults we control everything.

A big challenge of parenting is to hold a long-term view while remaining flexible in the present. To make plans, give ourselves and our children boundaries, but to be able to shift slightly here and there to accommodate tantrums, dirty nappies that happen just as you’re walking out the door, allowing your child the time to do up his own seatbelt in the car, the child who throws a wobbly when you drop him at playschool, the pre-schooler who wants to show you ‘just one more time’ how he can climb up the jungle gym and slide down the fireman’s pole when you are running late for the dentist or a work appointment. Parent’s lives do not run like clockwork and their children are usually oblivious to the concept of time.

In the eternal quest to achieve work-life balance, consider the following:

• Keep your long-term family goals or view in mind. Ask yourself, how must if feel to be part of this family? What needs to happen for me and my child to feel this way?
• Plan ahead of time. It doesn’t just help you, but your child will also feel more secure if he knows you have things in hand.
• Become a good organiser.
• Learn how to delegate. You don’t have to do everything, but you do need to spend time with your kids.
• Come to terms with the fact that you cannot get straight As in all areas of you life all of the time. Learn to compromise and be a little less demanding on yourself. An unmade bed one day of the week for a few extra minutes of cuddling in bed with your child, will go a long way to building a great relationship.
• Children do not walk around with diaries or palm tops. In fact, they have a hard enough time trying to get from their beds to the car in time for school and everything that happens in between, without having to fit in to your hectic schedule. 
• Children live in the present, especially pre-schoolers. Time actually means nothing to them – it is an abstract concept. By modelling good time-management skills, your child is more likely to follow suit (this is temperament and profile dependent of course!)
• Make sure you are not rushing all the time and that your children are not over-scheduled. Children need to learn how to amuse themselves in their own homes without being entertained all the time. They learn to do this when there is time to simply potter around with the security of knowing that their parents are home even if they are not actually doing an activity together.

Beware of thinking that you have to invest your money and your child’s time by enrolling him or her in every extra-mural activity under the sun to give him or her the best start possible. The best start is with you. Spend quality time playing with your child on weekends or in the afternoons – their central stability (not in the physical sense) as a human being will come from being around you and not from spending time with a different coach each day.

Our children are with us for such a short time. Regardless of how much or how little time you are able to spend with your children, make sure to make the time memorable so that each time you imprint just a little more of mum or dad in their souls.

We often look at leadership in terms of politics or business but every parent is a leader in his or her own right and leadership lessons start in the home. I recently attended a seminar with 40 foundation phase teachers (Grade R to Grade 4) and it became clear to me that often parents abdicate their leadership responsibility to the teachers. I overheard one teacher say that she had just recently been requested by parents to teach their child about God. She went on to exclaim that the only thing she had not yet been asked to do was to actually give birth to a child for a parent! This comment illustrated the strong frustration that teachers often feel when a child is insecure due to lack of leadership and control on the parents’ part.

SOMEONE WILL LEAD…

Where there is a group of people, whether children or adults, someone will lead. Parents are the natural leaders in the home and, when they don’t accept this role, their children will take control. Children do this instinctively from a survival point of view. Groups of people survive better with a leader. If we don’t lead, then our children are forced to take on a role for which they are far from ready, and it makes them feel very wobbly.

In family life, everyday events provide the context and backdrop for leadership. Most situations demand leadership, whether it be deciding what time your child will go to bed, how you respond to discipline issues, how you manage the household finances, what your family TV viewing habits are, or how your respond to friends in need.

I always think that children are an absolute bonus to your own personal growth. By having children, you get to be a leader at home even if you aren’t officially one at work. Remember that the leadership lessons we learn from our children are as applicable in the workplace as they are in our homes. Even if you aren’t in a specific leadership position, you are the leader in your own life and, as my dad has always said to me, “Lead by example!” Children learn leadership skills from their parents. We are their role models, and they learn by seeing us in action.

PLAY DATES 

The teachers on this same seminar were also enormously concerned that not enough children enjoy play dates anymore – the kind where parents (traditionally mothers) and children meet in each other’s homes for a cup of tea and some play time. Instead, they see children being over-scheduled with prescribed extramural activities from an extremely young age, which doesn’t allow them to socialise in an unpressurised, less structured environment where they pick up social and emotional skills more naturally.

The teachers quite understand the difficulties involved in organising play dates in the many two-income families that there are today, but their concern is that children are not picking up the skills these social encounters would offer, which are the very skills that lay the foundations for their own leadership and social interactions in the future. Some of the benefits of play dates for your children include the following:

• They see how you meet and greet someone new. 
• They experience how you deal with conflict.
• They hear how you share new and interesting information. 
• They see how people respond to you. 
• They learn how to say hello, goodbye, please, thank you and I’m sorry. 
• They learn how to share.
• They learn to adapt to different environments.
• They learn about time.
• They learn to tidy up and pack away. 
• They learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.
• They see you relax in social situations instead of always being in a rush, in the car or going out to work.
• They learn independence.

Make time for a play date, the benefits are important for a child growing up in the 21st century. If you work full time, then do it over a weekend. Try ‘play and stay’ instead of ‘drop and run’. Younger children love to go out to play with new friends if they know that you are staying for tea or a drink. They need you there for security (to lead the way!)until they feel comfortable in the new environment. An additional upside to play dates is that you get to know other parents and you get a sense of where, and with whom, your child feels comfortable. This knowledge will also ensure that you always have a network to call on in an emergency – important in our busy world where anything can happen.

Yes, of course we know that, we are living in it with all the advantages and stresses that come with a world that is driven by technology, productivity and constant change.  But what / who is driving these changes?

According to Arie de Geus, author of The Living Company, and pioneer of the organisational and learning movement, the twentieth century witnessed the emergence of a new species on earth – that of large institutions, notably, global corporations.

Peter Senge and his co-authors in the book, Prescence, go on to say that this new species’ expansion is affecting life for almost all other species on the planet. “Historically, no individual, tribe or even nation could possibly alter the global climate, destroy thousands of species or shift the chemical balance of the atmosphere.   Yet that is exactly what is happening today, as our individual actions are mEdiated and magnified though the growing network of global institutions. That network determines what technolgies are developed and how they are applied.  It shapes political agendas as national governments respond to the priorities of global business, international trade, and economic development.  It is shaping social realities as it divides the world between those who benefit from the new global economy and those who do not.  And it is propogating a global culture of instant communication, individualism, and material acquisiton that threatens traditional family, religious and social structures.  In short, the emergence of global institutions represents a dramatic shift in the conditions for life on the planet.” 

It is within this reality that parents must carry out their responsibilities today, and it is with this in mind that parents may need to re-evaluate their parenting styles and attitudes. A few key aspects to think about:

• We are wired to the digital skin of the world via technology and the media (particularly the cellphone an email), making us accessible and available 24/7, 365 days of the year.
• We are experiencing a society centred on “me” and and “my need for instant gratification”. “I want it here, I want it now and I want it like this”, is the mantra of youth today and may even be the same for their time starved, stressed parents!
• The process of childhood has been replaced by the process of learning to consume.  The youth today are the most materialistic generation ever.  They are often referred to as the “throw-away generation” because of their constant need to buy and consume new things.  Nothing is permanent.  Similarly, time starved parents are consuming vast quantities of “instant” products to provide a quick fix.  Our children are bound to follow our example.
• With the high divorce rate in both first and second marriages (82% for the former and 81% for the latter, I was told recently), the family structure is changing dramatically with the proliferation of step families, blended families etc.  In addition, the rise of kidfluence (the ability of kids to influence the way families spend their money) is also changing the balance of power in families today with children having more say than ever before.
• Social structures are changing as more parents work, spending less time with their children and socialising less with friends in their children’s company (see article: Play & Stay instead of Drop and Run).  Children are also participating in more planned, structured extra mural activities in the afternoons instead of playing socially and naturally with their peers.  Play in the early years is becoming more directed and prescriptive, occuring in contrived, controlled environments and often not in the home environment (more at aftercare or at an extra mural activity).  Older children on the other hand are extremely over-scheduled with activities (school and private) leaving them little time for homework, let alone play dates with mates. 
• What little free time they have is now often spent in front of a screen, from the television to computer games, surfing the internet, playing with Playstation, Gameboys, X-box and others. Socialising in front of the screen is becoming commonplace, especially if there is little supervision, boredom or restrictions on physical freedom.  Girls, in particular, enjoy socialising via their cellphones or in chat rooms.  Global corporations have ever more access to children via on screen media and are able to plug in to our children with or without our permission.

Both parents and children are stressed which makes us all react as we habitually do, out of fear.  This doesn’t necessarily mean we are making the right decisions or the best decisions.  In fact, in a world that has changed so significantly, we first need to change our world view and then we can find new responses that are more appropriate.

As 21st century parents, we need to improve our awareness of the world around us, understand what has changed, why it has changed and where we fit into this changed world, beyond our contribution via the workforce.  Companies and institutions are living organisations, constantly growing, changing and developing.  Individuals and families are also continuously evolving, just as children follow their own unique developmental timetable.  We are all in a dynamic process of constant change.  If we don’t understand and acknowledge this then we will live reacting to our world instead of making proactive choices and taking proactive action.

It is so easy to say “I didn’t create it this way”, or “that’s the way life is” instead of taking control, accepting responsibility for our actions and using our role as parents to make a positive contribution to the world – by bringing up children who will be able to lead lives of significance in an uncertain future.