Over 40% of America’s schools are considering deleting recess – break time at school will be no more, according the National Institute for Play in the US.  What a bizarre thought!  I think my own children would go on strike if that happened, and I would most certainly throw my toys!  Any stressed adult knows that all work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy!  In our high tech, productivity and urgency-driven world, we all need to increasingly engage with our playful side in order to ground ourselves and recharge our batteries, or suffer the consequences of burnout. (Click here for my related article on Children Living in the Red Zone.)

Taking break time out of the school curriculum represents of a complete lack of insight into the power and necessity of play in a child’s development.  It constitutes an unprecedented crisis in play according to Stewart Brown, the founder of the National Institute of Play in the US.  “Play is not trivial and the consequences of the absence of play are devastating.  Play is critical to our human development.  We are built to play.  We are built through play.”

Brown cites research done on criminals in the US and one of the most astounding things they all have in common is that their parents did not spend time playing with them as children.  You see play has many benefits, one of which is that it helps children to regulate themselves – to develop self-control, to keep themselves in check, to process their emotions and to consolidate their learning.  Play is also essential in that it brings our curious children to the edge of their knowledge, pushing the boundaries to discover more.  In other words, healthy play actually stimulates learning.  Most famous discoveries have been made by people who pushed the boundaries when they got to the edge of what they knew, and who were “playing” with a concept or an idea.

There is now sufficient evidence about the importance of play, that a new discipline called Play Science is emerging at universities in the US, and none too soon.  Fortunately, break time is not under threat in South African schools, but my question to you is this:  Do you regularly play with your children?  Does play have a place in your family life?  Is play part of your family brand?

If you want to rediscover the power of play, and the magic and simplicity of this remarkable and often neglected parenting tool, do join me for my Parenting on the Run workshop on 18 July in Johannesburg (see details on here).  Play might just be one of the best protective factors you will ever give your children.

We get so uptight about doing things perfectly, from providing our children with a perfect education to the perfect party, and the most perfect life we can create for them (and more). Our pursuits can be accurately called perfection addiction — a process that calls us into judgement all the time, mostly with ourselves because we feel guilty if we don’t measure up to our expectations, which is often the picture of looking good, to the outside world.

I was recently reminded by Irish philosopher and leadership expert, Sean Weafer, that the essence of life is not about being perfect but about perfecting. We are all walking a unique path in the company of others. We must discover and uncover that uniqueness — and children will help you to do just that — if you give them half a chance to be their authentic selves instead of training them to play the looking good game too.

We fall in to this trap so easily because society supports it, and because we have become so numb to our own emotions, our own need to feel. So, when it comes to birthday parties, for example, do we allow our children to get involved in making the invitations, decorations, the food and wrapping the prizes? Or do we keep all these things to ourselves, calling it hard work, instead of fun? Do our children get to really live their parties — to breath life into them — which include the planning, the putting together as well as the enjoyment of the event itself, or are they just visitors dropping in for a while to attend a well-executed event?

They need and want to be part of the process, not just the pretty outcome. It’s part of how memories are made, and how lifeskills are acquired. It’s part of building a life and living it. It’s about living, loving and appreciating.

We will all do things differently and hold varying opinions, from birthday parties to our children’s education and how we spend our time and our money. On many issues there is no longer a strictly right or wrong or black and white answer. Rather, there are many shades of grey often due to diverse backgrounds, religions, circumstances, family make up, financial situations etc. These are the things that impact on our choices or our ability to make choices, and we need to honour our journey of perfecting that which we are, and that which we are becoming.

“Out on the edge of town, beyond the place of right and wrong; there is a field.

Let’s meet there.”

Rumi

I look forward to journeying with many of you at some of my up and coming workshops in May and June. Let’s move beyond the pursuit of perfection to authentic connection — with ourselves and our children. They can tell the difference! Click here for my diary, and here for May workshop dates and here for June workshop dates.

There is a rising tide of anxiety among parents about the future and the prospects for their children because the future is no longer predictable. With less certainty parents feel less confident about parenting and how to prepare their children for their future. Through my work with mums and dads I find this translating into an increase in tentative parenting, and you can’t be tentative with children. Tentative parenting is wobbly, at best, and scary for children at worst. Hesitant or overly cautious parents often do their children a disservice by creating a leadership vacuum or denying their children sufficient opportunities for growth by being overprotective.

I recently spent an interesting morning listening to visiting US clinical and organisational psychologist Dr Rob Evans, author of Family Matters: How schools can cope with the crisis in childrearing (Jossey-Bass, 2004). According to Evans, the rate of change we are experiencing and the explosion of choices around us are creating both huge opportunities and much confusion. “These conditions are having a profound effect on the way parents parent their children and the way in which they approach their child’s school and teachers.” This, he feels, is having a negative impact on our children’s preparedness for the future.

For parents to partner effectively with their children’s school, Dr Evans had the following advice:

• Stop expecting that school alone can prepare your child for the future. Parents are trying to prepare the path for the child instead of preparing the child for the path.
• Choose a school or education system, understand the rules and policies and play by them. Stop asking for exceptions for your child as it does your child no good in the long term.
• The most important lessons we learn in life we’ve often learnt at the feet of pain, loss and disappointment. Don’t take away these learning opportunities from your children. Don’t smooth the path too much or you won’t prepare the child.
• Stop worrying about whether your child is happy or whether your child actually likes you. The important thing is what kind of future you want for them and whether you are helping or hindering that preparation. Sometimes you have to hold the line with your child about the big stuff, even if it makes you unpopular. Children will get mad with you but you need to let them get glad again – they always do.
• Take a breath, find your courage and let your children grow more on their own. They all have fragile moments but few children are extremely fragile. All the evidence about children is that they are extremely resilient.

I left Dr Evans with a copy of my book, Future-proof Your Child, (Penguin, 2008) which dovetailed so beautifully with his talk. If you want to understand the forces which are changing the future as we speak, then do give it a read. Understanding what we need to know about tomorrow today, why we need to know it, and what we need to do about it will help you to parent more confidently and less tentatively. Information and understanding together with a healthy dose of courage, will enable you to make clearer choices for your children and your family today.

Between a diary jam-packed with speaking engagements and organising my two boys’ busy school and extramural schedules, January passed in the blink of an eye. Sunday night is strategy night, and the plan for the week resembles that of a highly classified and important military operation. Sometimes it takes my breath away. I’m sure the feelings are similar in many households around the country.

Inbetween all the schedules and busyness, have you ever realised that you are always trying to market to, or sell your child/ren something – an idea, a value, a point of view, an action to be taken etc:

• It’s time for bed – NOW!
• Studying for a test IS a good idea.
• Pack your bags tonight for tomorrow.
• Carrots make you see better in the dark.
• There is no monster sleeping under your bed.
• Don’t let the dog lick your mouth – you’ll get worms!
• Sex is only for adults !!!!
• You are a gorgeous, talented individual. There is no-one quite like you.
• I love you to the moon and stars and back (even though you just nearly drove me round the bend!).

With this generation, authority does work (sometimes), particulary in the early years when “because I am your parent and I said so” still has some magical power to it, or if you have actively positioned yourself as a hero in your child’s life story. But, as children get older there is a tendency for them to either think or, even worse, verbalise “Says Who?” or “Who cares anyway?”. Living in a reward-based culture as we do, where it’s so commonplace for us to be rewarded for swiping our credit cards, being loyal to the same airline, store or restaurant, visiting the gym etc, our children could be forgiven for thinking: “If they want me to do this, what’s in it for me, what do I get?”

This is a very real challenge for 21st century parents. Of course the desired end result after years of parenting is for our children to be intrinsically motivated or self-motivated rather than relying on some form of external bribe etc. But, from time-to-time, it may be necessary to utilise various “marketing tactics” to get the message across to your child in a fun and playful way, or to get their buy-in until it becomes an adopted habit, value, thought or behaviour pattern.

You are in marketing and sales whether you like it or not! I know this fact wasn’t highlighted when you committed to becoming a parent, neither was it detailed in the fine print, but it’s true. Star charts, treats, promises and bribes are all in a parent’s marketing arsenal – to be used wisely, of course. And do watch what the marketers are doing – you could pick up an idea or two to add to your toolkit. Try these “promotions” for size, my kids loved them:

• Two for the price of one, eg. “Keep your room tidy for X weeks without being nagged and I won’t just take you for a milkshake but you can bring a friend along too”.
• Buy one, get one free, eg “Unpack your school bags / hang up your towel for a week without being asked and I’ll make you your favourite pudding on Friday night and you get to choose Friday night’s game / movie!”
• While stocks last promotion, eg “Get your homework done before the clock strikes 5pm, otherwise the offer of a game of Wii / or a game with me, runs out”.

Have fun and make it memorable.

NIKKI BUSH

Dear Clients and Colleagues 

 “Parenting and playfulness can seem like contradictions, but sometimes we just need a little push, to find one another and have fun together.” Lawrence J. Cohen, Playful Parenting (Ballantine Books, 2001)

“Something’s clicked!” were my sister’s words to me last Saturday when we were discussing her six year old daughter’s progress on the tennis court. ” I don’t know what’s happened but it’s starting to come together.” It reminded me of my boys when they first started off in the game (as with any other sport). To begin with, their shots were almost mechanical in their execution – they were paying attention to every aspect of the shot, overemphasising it, almost making it look awkward. And then at some point in time all those details come together in one flowing movement which not only looks good but it works,.

When children learn anything whether it be crawling, walking, speaking, reading, writing or a sport, they need to learn the basics, the constituent parts and then learn to put them together, into the correct sequence. This is the perceptual skill of analysis and synthesis and it takes planning. Some of the keys to effective learning at all ages are repetition, persistence and perseverance – mastering the movement, deciphering the words or grooving the shot.

 I am so grateful that my sons’ tennis coach warned me early on to bear with her because not only would it take a while for their shots to look like something, but most importantly, it was essential to get the basics of each stroke absolutely correct from the beginning. I have to admit there have been times when, like my sister, I have wondered when exactly it would all come together. And then, suddenly, something clicks and they go from functional to stylish and competent, almost overnight. But, of course, it has been weeks, months or years in the making. As our children’s cheerleaders, our gifts are patience, time and encouragement, for Rome wasn’t built in a day.

We need to step back every now and again, and sit and watch with wonder and amazement at the miracle that is our child, marvelling at the power of the brain-body connection. Life takes practice and time. We must support the journey.

TALKS AND WORKSHOPS

I had a lot of fun in March presenting to different groups of parents and educators in Gauteng and KZN, from Grade 12 life orientation teachers in Soweto, to HeronBridge College (Gauteng), St Martin’s, Wykeham Collegiate and Top Tots/Cowan House(all in KZN) as well as some private functions. A big thank you to all my gracious hosts who put so much effort into the organisation of each function. April will be spent travelling with my family and presenting at various public and private events in the Cape including two presentations at the Global Speakers’ Summit where a few hundred top speakers from all over the world will be congregating.

I am running public workshops in Cape Town (21 April), Knysna (23 and 28 April) and Johannesburg (May 7, 8, 14, 15, 16, 17) in amongst private talks for schools and corporates in Johannesburg and KZN. Please see booking details below.

Please note that while I have set presentation fees for public workshops, when I am booked by a private organisation or school, costs per head for workshops and talks may vary for the following reasons: by how much the organisation is subsidising the talk, the number of people attending, costs of venue, catering etc.

Parenting on the Run Workshop (one hour) on Tuesday, 21 April 2009, 6 – 7.00pm at the Plumstead Methodist Church, CAPE TOWN.  Cost: R40 per head. Bookings: Alet Prinsloo (021) 762 2787 074 124 0514 alet@perfectpic.co.za

About the talk:  Parents today are busy. Being able to parent creatively – on the run – makes your parenting journey easier and much more fun. In this talk, creative parenting expert and author, Nikki Bush, introduces the concept of cheating time and turning the ordinary into the extraordinary, helping parents to give away the guilt they so often feel as they juggle life and parenting. Come away with 50 practical ideas of how to create quality time moments with your children when you are on the run. Learn to cheat time by converting “wasted time” into quality time.

Parenting on the Run Workshop (2.5 hours) on Wednesday, 23 April 200, 5.30 – 8pm at Oakhill School, KNYSNA.  Cost: R150 per person or R200 if both parents attend. Bookings: Lucia Salters, saltersjl@iafrica.com, 082 806 4619.

About the workshop:  As above but includes well over 100 ideas and Nikki will also include her ever-popular suggestions on toys to pack for travelling, or for when you are simply on the run. Connecting and communicating with your child can be so easy, even for busy parents.

Future-proof Your Child talk on Tuesday, 28 April 2009 from 6.00 – 7.00pm at Oakhill School, KNYSNA.  Cost: R30 per person or R50 per couple. Bookings: Lucia Salters, saltersjl@iafrica.com, 082 806 4619.

About the talk: The world has changed. The future has changed. Childhood is changing. Raising children has never been more challenging – or potentially rewarding. Nikki Bush, creative parenting expert and author of the popular new book, Future-proof Your Child, explores what you need to know about tomorrow today, why you need to know this and what you need to do to prepare today’s children for a world that doesn’t yet exist.

This thought provoking multi-media presentation, peppered with personal anecdotes, will introduce you to the X-factors required for success in 2020 and beyond, providing many practical ideas to help children to develop them from an early age. This talk is suitable for anyone involved in raising children, from parents to teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents and even parents to be.

Parenting on the Run Workshop on Thursday, 7 May 2009 from 9 – 11.30am at the Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, BRYANSTON.  Cost: R300 per person, includes notes and tea. Bookings: nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za

About this workshop:  see above for details.

Nuts & Bolt Workshop on  Friday, 8 May 2009 from 8.30 – 11.30am at the Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, BRYANSTON, JHB.  Cost: R300 per person, includes notes and tea.  Bookings: nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za

About this workshop:  A fun, interactive workshop covering the specific perceptual skills your child needs to acquire within the first six years of life in order to be ready for school. Get dozens of ideas to help you be really creative with your classic toys such as: shape sorters, stackers, threading and pegging games, matching and association games, puzzles, gross motor equipment, construction toys etc.

This workshop takes parents well beyond what’s in the instruction leaflets. Parents are encouraged to put their own stamp on their child’s play experiences by using their imagination, adding love letters, breaking the rules and combining games in order to create more games! Come prepared to play.

Beyond the Nappy Bag talks, 14 – 17 May 2009 at The Baby Expo, The Dome NORTHGATE, JHB.  Bookings: Watch the press for details. 

About this talk:  A brand new talk for moms who are moving into the next phase of their child’s development.

Keep on playing with your precious children over this holiday period. If you find play difficult just start with 10 minute sessions and build up from there. Remember that we are hard-wired to play, it is part of our human nature, we have just forgotten how.

Kind regards

NIKKI BUSH

The Bright Ideas Outfit 

nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za