While this is billed as the time of year to be jolly, and the build up to the end of the year can be frenetic, it is also the season when we have the opportunity, if only over The Big Shut Down between Christmas and New Year, to take life a little slower than we normally would, whether at home or away on a holiday.

Taking it slow, and being more “in the moment” as parents, gives us the opportunity to see our children operating at their own pace for a change, and not dancing either to our hectic schedules or the ones we or school have imposed on them. As you stop and smell the roses for a little while I want to encourage you to be a “watcher” from time-to-time. Stop doing, organising and micromanaging, and just take a while to be a watcher and not a doer. Observe your children with all of your senses whether you are doing something together or observing them from a distance.

Open your eyes, ears, hearts and minds and absorb your children. Soak them up. Look at their faces, really look. Listen to their conversations, really listen. Give them some money (it doesn’t have to be a lot) to buy small Christmas presents for family members, or let them choose a new decoration for the Christmas tree, and don’t judge their choice – observe with interest and give them a chance to express themselves, even if their ideas are very different to yours.

You may have the opportunity of cuddling up together as a family in the big bed, or on the couch watching a movie together or playing a game. What does it feel like? You now have the time to notice. Can you see how they have grown and matured this year and what they are now capable of that they have never been able to do before? Appreciate the growth and let your heart swell with pride. It’s a great feeling.

Enjoy their anticipation of the season of giving and receiving – they are both an art and a life skill that need to be developed. Watch how you speak to each other over this time. Talk with kindness and respect, and listen twice as much as you speak.

Watch for the little things about your children, capture moments often missed in the daily grind of our rushed and hurried lifestyles. Most of these little moments will be so fleeting is it unlikely you will be able to photograph them. It is as if you are a guest who has been privileged to ’see’ and you get to store these moments only in the recesses of your heart and mind.

The most important thing about being a “watcher” is to remember that they are watching you too, and they are doing it with their whole being, absorbing the very essence of who you are.

Happy holidays!

NIKKI BUSH

We get so uptight about doing things perfectly, from providing our children with a perfect education to the perfect party, and the most perfect life we can create for them (and more). Our pursuits can be accurately called perfection addiction — a process that calls us into judgement all the time, mostly with ourselves because we feel guilty if we don’t measure up to our expectations, which is often the picture of looking good, to the outside world.

I was recently reminded by Irish philosopher and leadership expert, Sean Weafer, that the essence of life is not about being perfect but about perfecting. We are all walking a unique path in the company of others. We must discover and uncover that uniqueness — and children will help you to do just that — if you give them half a chance to be their authentic selves instead of training them to play the looking good game too.

We fall in to this trap so easily because society supports it, and because we have become so numb to our own emotions, our own need to feel. So, when it comes to birthday parties, for example, do we allow our children to get involved in making the invitations, decorations, the food and wrapping the prizes? Or do we keep all these things to ourselves, calling it hard work, instead of fun? Do our children get to really live their parties — to breath life into them — which include the planning, the putting together as well as the enjoyment of the event itself, or are they just visitors dropping in for a while to attend a well-executed event?

They need and want to be part of the process, not just the pretty outcome. It’s part of how memories are made, and how lifeskills are acquired. It’s part of building a life and living it. It’s about living, loving and appreciating.

We will all do things differently and hold varying opinions, from birthday parties to our children’s education and how we spend our time and our money. On many issues there is no longer a strictly right or wrong or black and white answer. Rather, there are many shades of grey often due to diverse backgrounds, religions, circumstances, family make up, financial situations etc. These are the things that impact on our choices or our ability to make choices, and we need to honour our journey of perfecting that which we are, and that which we are becoming.

“Out on the edge of town, beyond the place of right and wrong; there is a field.

Let’s meet there.”

Rumi

I look forward to journeying with many of you at some of my up and coming workshops in May and June. Let’s move beyond the pursuit of perfection to authentic connection — with ourselves and our children. They can tell the difference! Click here for my diary, and here for May workshop dates and here for June workshop dates.

There is a rising tide of anxiety among parents about the future and the prospects for their children because the future is no longer predictable. With less certainty parents feel less confident about parenting and how to prepare their children for their future. Through my work with mums and dads I find this translating into an increase in tentative parenting, and you can’t be tentative with children. Tentative parenting is wobbly, at best, and scary for children at worst. Hesitant or overly cautious parents often do their children a disservice by creating a leadership vacuum or denying their children sufficient opportunities for growth by being overprotective.

I recently spent an interesting morning listening to visiting US clinical and organisational psychologist Dr Rob Evans, author of Family Matters: How schools can cope with the crisis in childrearing (Jossey-Bass, 2004). According to Evans, the rate of change we are experiencing and the explosion of choices around us are creating both huge opportunities and much confusion. “These conditions are having a profound effect on the way parents parent their children and the way in which they approach their child’s school and teachers.” This, he feels, is having a negative impact on our children’s preparedness for the future.

For parents to partner effectively with their children’s school, Dr Evans had the following advice:

• Stop expecting that school alone can prepare your child for the future. Parents are trying to prepare the path for the child instead of preparing the child for the path.
• Choose a school or education system, understand the rules and policies and play by them. Stop asking for exceptions for your child as it does your child no good in the long term.
• The most important lessons we learn in life we’ve often learnt at the feet of pain, loss and disappointment. Don’t take away these learning opportunities from your children. Don’t smooth the path too much or you won’t prepare the child.
• Stop worrying about whether your child is happy or whether your child actually likes you. The important thing is what kind of future you want for them and whether you are helping or hindering that preparation. Sometimes you have to hold the line with your child about the big stuff, even if it makes you unpopular. Children will get mad with you but you need to let them get glad again – they always do.
• Take a breath, find your courage and let your children grow more on their own. They all have fragile moments but few children are extremely fragile. All the evidence about children is that they are extremely resilient.

I left Dr Evans with a copy of my book, Future-proof Your Child, (Penguin, 2008) which dovetailed so beautifully with his talk. If you want to understand the forces which are changing the future as we speak, then do give it a read. Understanding what we need to know about tomorrow today, why we need to know it, and what we need to do about it will help you to parent more confidently and less tentatively. Information and understanding together with a healthy dose of courage, will enable you to make clearer choices for your children and your family today.

November 2008

Dear Clients and Colleagues

When Graeme Codrington & I were interviewed about our book, Future-proof Your Child by Jenny Crys-Williams on Radio 702 two weeks ago, the conversation during one of the ad breaks turned to the fact that in an economic downturn we are forced to become more resourceful and Jenny used a lovely phrase – to become more rooted. This really resonated with me because it is exactly rootedness and resourcefulness that is the antidote to the materialism and the rampant consumerism that we have all become so accustomed to in recent years. And, perhaps, this will be the start of doing something to heal our threatened planet too. Whatever action we take or don’t take in the next while will be a shaping force on this generation of children and either the development of a mindset of sustainability and creative solutions-finding, or one of fear of lack and possible imminent disaster. Will you focus on the danger or the opportunity that is presenting itself through our shifting world?

Here are a few things you can do as families to become more rooted and resourceful this holiday season – make fun out of nothing!:

1. Make your own gift tags

Actually my 9-year old son and a friend were doodling around on the computer a few Saturday’s ago when they came to chat to me about a few ways they thought they could make a bit of money, like offering to walk people’s dogs, wash cars, etc. This conversation eventually culminated in a small business idea of making hand crafted gift tags at a fraction of the cost of bought ones, which their mothers, of course, will market through word of mouth. Their eyes were bright with enthusiasm and the possibility of making some money! In our busyness, we parents must now nurture this seed and ensure that this little business venture actually happens! Tthe idea here is to be resourceful and use up bits of cardboard and coloured paper, glue and paint that we already have on hand.

2. Wrap Christmas gifts in newsprint and decorate with stunning ribbons and bows and handmade gift tags

You’ve seen designers and interior decorators doing this in fancy magazines, now you can try it yourself, not just because it looks good, but because it saves money, trees and other resources too. And the littlies just love doing potato printing on plain white paper to create giftwrap.

3. Make your own Christmas Crackers

Get those empty toilet rolls back int use and make Christmas crackers with wrapping paper, newsprint and ribbons. Fill them with left over sweets from Halloween and and all the left over toys and giveaways from all the take-aways throughout the year (they were barely played with anyway!). Older children love joke books (I hate them) so put them to good use. Tthey can type out jokes to put into the crackers. The only thing I cannot tell you is where to find bangers. If anyone knows, please let me know. The idea here is to make the crackers together with your children.

4. Don’t by junk this Christmas – invest in good toy purchases

Yes, this is undeniably an advertisment for my annual presentation called Toy Talk, which aims to educate parents through a fun, stimulating and interactive presentation so that they can make wiser choices for their children when it comes to buying toys and games. There is a lot of junk out there – don’t waste your money. See below for more details.

ADD ANOTHER EMAIL ADDRESS TO YOUR ADDRESS BOOK

My October newsletter entitled Endings and Beginnings went out from a second email address which was not recognised by many of my corporate client’s servers. Please would you add this as a second email address for me so that the newsletters are not rejected: nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za

LAST CHANCE TO ATTEND TOY TALK 2008

Toy Talk on 12 November was a runaway success. If you still want a seat for one of the next three workshops, do book now to avoid disappointment. Toy Talk will help you make wiser toy and game choices for your children. Here is the synopsis: They’re everywhere from cheap Chinese junk, to Fischer Price, Barney, Barbie, High School Musical, Lego and Meccano, to battery operated winking, blinking noisy toys to solid educational toys, to Play Station, computers Gameboys and balls, jungle gyms, pots, pans and wooden spoons.

Do children need toys? What categories of toys are there? How do children learn? Why is play so important? What are the classic toys every child needs? What’s new on the market? Where do electronic toys fit in? How to select a toy, and more. Armed with a little bit of knowledge about toys and how children learn, this fun, interactive workshop will enable you to make better choices for your child and will make shopping for games and toys a piece of cake.

Toy Talk is a two hour workshop presented by creative parenting expert and author, Nikki Bush. She is also an educational game designer and a judge on the professional panel in South Africa’s Toy of the Year Awards. If you want to know what Nikki is recommending for her “classic collection” and her “what’s hot right now selection” of toys and games, book for Toy Talk 2008 now! Suitable for parents of children from birth to age 12.

DATE/ TIME/ VENUE/ COST

Wednesday, 12 November 2008 at  7.30 – 9.30pm, Bryanston Country Club R175.00 including tea, eats, notes and a goodie bag

Friday, 21 November 2008 at 9.30 – 11.30am, Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, Bryanston

Saturday, 22 November 2008 at 9 – 11.00am, Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, Bryanston 

Monday, 24 November 2008 at 9.30 – 11.30am, Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, Bryanston 

BOOKINGS : nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za. Payment secures your seat.

SHOPPING : We have a limited selection of highly recommended games and toys on sale at the workshops (credit card facilities available). Come and get that Christmas shopping done while enjoying tea which includes our famous Scottish Flapjacks. A half an hour for shopping and tea has been factored in to the time allocation.

MORE INFO : www.brightideasoutfit.com

Regret no children as it is distracting for the other delegates.

TALKS AT SCHOOLS: I am already booked to speak at a number of schools in January, February and March 2009. Please do not leave bookings until the last minute. You need to contact me well ahead of time as Saturdays and evenings are at a premium.

BIG KID FUN WORKSHOPS

For those parents of 8 year olds plus who still want to squeeze this workshop in this year, Big Kid Fun takes place on 27 November in Dougalsdale. It will be half an hour longer than usual as I will incorporate what was relevant from Toy Talk 2008 just for this age band. This is a small workshop for only seven delegates.

Synopsis: Big Kid Fun©is for all those parents (and grandparents) who have been asking “What next? What do we do with our children over the age of seven?” Big Kid Fun© is a workshop designed for families with 8 – 99 year olds who love to have fun. It is a very interactive workshop that will consist of a small amount of theory – the importance of play and staying connected with your children – and a lot of Big Kid Fun©. Yes, you will play a lot including some hilarious games you have never heard of! You will be reminded of all the fun to be had with a simple deck of cards, and we will play our way through my selection top family games (classics and those that are hot right now). Big kids of all ages still wanna play and have fun.

Join us for an entertaining and inspiring 3 hour workshop. Of course notes and a delicious tea are included and you will be able to get all your Christmas shopping done at the same time.

DATE & TIME / VENUE / COST

Thursday, 27 November 2008 6.00 – 9.30pm Douglasdale

R300.00 per person Bookings: nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za

Keep on playing and connecting with your precious children! Make the most of the extra quality time you may have together over the holiday period. NIKKI BUSH

Dear Clients and Colleagues

“Our children could not grow up into fine adults if there weren’t impermanence. We are on loan to each other for only a short while. We can never bathe twice in the same river, said the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, nor can we dip into this moment of our parenthood twice, no matter how beautiful the experience.”

Jane Bartlett, Parenting with Spirit (Rider, 2004).

Here we are entering the silly season again. Where has time gone? It feels like it was yesterday that we were at the beginning of another year filled with so many plans and promises, and now we are making preparations for its closing. But that’s life isn’t it? A series of beginnings and endings.

I was privileged to attend the grade 12 Valediction Service at my children’s school last night and I was deeply moved by the closing tradition. As each grade 12 learner left the auditorium, they got to ring the brass school bell one last time symbolising the closing of a chapter of their lives, then shook the headmaster’s hand and stepped out into their future. The way each young adult rung the bell was unique and very personal. I would love to have been able to hear what was going on in their hearts and minds. Regardless, I could sense the poignance of each ring of the bell and sat with a lump in my throat – and these were not my children!

My eldest son will start in the same college next year and the tradition is that each grade 8 will get to ring that same brass school bell to symbolise the beginning of their high school career. When Ryan handed me his examination timetable for grade 7 a few weeks ago tears blurred my vision as it dawned on me that his primary school years are almost over. Where has the time gone? In just a few weeks we will be sitting through his Valediction Service.

Whatever phase of parenthood you find yourselves in, don’t waste a minute. Be as “present” as possible, live each one of the joys and challenges that your children will bring you, dance with them like there is no tomorrow, and discover more about who you are through all the experiences your children will expose you to. Your children come but once in a lifetime.

I just loved the tradition of the bell ringing. You too, can use rituals and celebrations to create special family memories. What kind of family traditions do you use to celebrate life stages/phases or rights of passage. For some thoughts on the matter, do check out my book, Future-proof Your Child(Penguin, 2008). If you have ideas to share, drop me an email, I would love to hear about them.

FUTURE-PROOF YOUR CHILD BOOK LAUNCH ON 29 OCTOBER 2008

We had a very successful book launch at The Indaba Hotel last night with a super turnout of over 200 people. We were able to raise R8000.00 from the sale of the books for The Play with a Purpose Foundation. Many thanks to The Indaba Hotel for the venue and to Penguin for all their oganisation.  Click here for more pictures.

There is quite a lot of publicity around the book at the moment. If you missed me on TV3’s Lunchbox, or ETV Sunrise last week, you can catch Graeme and I on the Jenny Cryws-Williams’ show on 702 today at 2pm. I did a pre-recorded interview with Kelly Thorington on Classic FM which will also be aired at 2pm today. Future-proof Your Child is now on sale in Exclusive Books, Estoril Books and other good book stores. You can also order it online from Kalahari.net and Amazon.com.

TOY TALK 2008 IS HERE!

They’re everywhere from cheap Chinese junk, to Fischer Price, Barney, Barbie, High School Musical, Lego and Meccano, to battery operated winking, blinking noisy toys to solid educational toys, to Play Station, computers Gameboys and balls, jungle gyms, pots, pans and wooden spoons.

Do children need toys? What categories of toys are there? How do children learn? Why is play so important? What are the classic toys every child needs? What’s new on the market? Where do electronic toys fit in? How to select a toy, and more. Armed with a little bit of knowledge about toys and how children learn, this fun, interactive workshop will enable you to make better choices for your child and will make shopping for games and toys a piece of cake. T

oy Talk is a two hour workshop presented by creative parenting expert and author, Nikki Bush. She is also an educational game designer and a judge on the professional panel in South Africa’s Toy of the Year Awards. If you want to know what Nikki is recommending for her “classic collection” and her “what’s hot right now selection” of toys and games, book for Toy Talk 2008 now! Suitable for parents of children from birth to age 12.

DATE, TIME, VENUE, COST

Wednesday, 12 November 2008 7.30 – 9.30pm Bryanston Country Club R175.00 including tea, eats, notes and a goodie bag

Friday, 21 November 2008 9.30 – 11.30am Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, Bryanston As above.

Saturday, 22 November 2008 9 – 11.00am Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, Bryanston As above.

Monday, 24 November 2008 9.30 – 11.30am Miele Gallery of Fine Living, Peter Place, Bryanston As above.

BOOKINGS : nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za. Payment secures your seat.

SHOPPING : We have a limited selection of highly recommended games and toys on sale at the workshops (credit card facilities available). Come and get that Christmas shopping done while enjoying tea which includes our famous Scottish Flapjacks. A half an hour for shopping and tea has been factored in to the time allocation.

MORE INFO : www.brightideasoutfit.com Regret no children as it is distracting for the other delegates.

TALKS AT SCHOOLS: I am already booked to speak at a number of schools in January, February and March 2009. Please do not leave bookings until the last minute. You need to contact me well ahead of time as Saturdays and evenings are at a premium.

BIG KID FUN WORKSHOPS

 For those parents of 8 year olds plus who still want to squeeze this workshop in this year, we will run two Big Kid Fun workshops on 18 November and 27 November in Dougalsdale. It will be half an hour longer than usual as I will incorporate what was relevant from Toy Talk 2008 just for this age band.

Big Kid Fun©is for all those parents (and grandparents) who have been asking “What next? What do we do with our children over the age of seven?” Big Kid Fun© is a workshop designed for families with 8 – 99 year olds who love to have fun. It is a very interactive workshop that will consist of a small amount of theory – the importance of play and staying connected with your children – and a lot of Big Kid Fun©. Yes, you will play a lot including some hilarious games you have never heard of! You will be reminded of all the fun to be had with a simple deck of cards, and we will play our way through my selection top family games (classics and those that are hot right now).

Big kids of all ages still wanna play and have fun. Join us for an entertaining and inspiring 3 hour workshop. Of course notes and a delicious tea are included and you will be able to get all your Christmas shopping done at the same time.

DATE & TIME VENUE COST

Tuesday, 18 November 2008 9am – 12.30pm Douglasdale R300.00 per person

Thursday, 27 November 2008 6.00 – 9.30pm Douglasdale R300.00 per person

Bookings: nikki@brightideasoutfit.com

Keep on playing and connecting with your precious children!

NIKKI BUSH

The Bright Ideas Outfit