Spying on your child
Nikki was interviewed for this article on technology and kids for True Love magazine (March 2010). It encapsulates her thoughts well.
By MANDY COLLINS, published in True Love magazine, March 2010
Phindi (43) has found her daughter’s transition from child to teenager particularly difficult. “Bebe was always such a sweet, obedient child,” she says. “And overnight she became this completely different person. I can deal with the tantrums and the moodiness, but it’s the endless chatting on MXit I can’t take. She has so little to say to anyone at home, but she has plenty to say on MXit.”
Dineo (41) had a similar experience with daughter, Kutlwano, but she decided to be pro-active. “I signed up for Facebook and MXit,” she comments. “And if I find out she’s registered on Twitter, I’ll have to sign up there too! It’s been a bit of a learning curve for me, but at least I have some idea of what’s going on with her. I couldn’t think of any other way to keep tabs on her.”
It’s a dilemma many parents face with teenagers in particular. Given how non-communicative many of them become,
how does one keep an eye on who they are talking to, who their friends are, what they’re up to? And where does one draw the line in terms of respecting their privacy?
After all, ask any parent of a child who committed suicide or got into some sort of serious trouble whether they wish they’d gone through that child’s diary or room, and the answer you’ll get will probably be a resounding ‘Yes!’ from all of them.
Creative parenting expert and co-author of Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, R143) Nikki Bush says it’s vital that parents engage with their children, and that they know what is going on in their children’s lives. “We cannot give up control,” she emphasises. “And we have to remember that children want boundaries – boundaries make them feel safe and secure. And when they push those boundaries, it’s because they’re trying to establish where they are. Behaviour that attracts your attention is there for a reason.”
Get to grips with the technology
Nikki says technology is a major problem for 21st Century parents, because it bewilders many of us and we tend to hand over control to our children as a result. “It’s our responsibility to understand the technology and remain relevant,” she comments, “even when we feel out of our depth.”
That’s exactly what Dineo has done, and in addition, she says she has no compunction at all about checking her daughter’s cell phone from time to time to see who she’s been SMSing and what messages she’s been receiving. “I’ve told her I’ll be checking, but I don’t give her any warning,” she says. “So far, I haven’t found anything, thank goodness. I might not be so quick to check her diary or journal if she had one, but if I was concerned about something in particular, I would probably even check that.”
Nikki feels you’re well within your rights to do this. “Tell them: ‘I’m your mother/father, I own the technology you’re using, and I have the right to know how you’re using it.’ We are not supposed to be our children’s best friends – we are the parents. We dare not be their mates until they have left home as young adults. They must know that there is authority in the home.
“As parents, it’s our job to have eyes and ears all round. We need to develop a sixth sense when things go awry. Some might call that spying, but others call it concern.”
Relationships matter
The issue, she says, is not so much whether or not you are spying on your child, but how good your relationship with that child is. “The whole thing rests on relationship,” she comments. “If you have a good, open relationship, your insistence on knowing what your child is doing will not be seen as spying, it will be seen as concern. And if you haven’t developed that relationship, consciously built togetherness, by the time they’re 14, it’s too late.”
She adds that buying the best of everything for our children is not a substitute for parenting; something many of us forget in the midst of the busy lives that we lead. “We trade time for a screen,” she points out. “We give them carte blanche to live a virtual reality. And in homes where parents don’t actively play with children, those children’s default setting becomes a screen, and that’s what they revert to when them are bored, or feeling lonely.”
Danger, beware!
The problem is that what might seem like innocent technology – cell phones, the Internet, even cartoon TV channels – have many hidden dangers, some so subtle that they are very difficult to detect. “We live in a plug and play world,” comments Nikki. “And we no longer introduce the world to our kids – it comes to them. Our role is to be a mediator and facilitator in that process. It cannot be unsupervised.”
In this regard, she suggests switching on whatever Internet safety filters are available to you; blocking undesirable channels if you have pay-TV, becoming a member on MXit and Facebook (“It makes them far less cool!” she remarks) and checking the history of the websites they visit from time to time.
“It’s your right, and it’s part of protecting them,” says Nikki. “We need to raise kids who are media-savvy, and part of that is learning that not everything they are exposed to is good for them. We need to teach them that.”
What you need to know
It’s vital that you know what your kids are doing, how often they’re doing it, and with whom. But as important, is the content of what they’re doing, particularly when it comes to gaming.
Games are not as well regulated as they could be, and many have children doing things in cyberspace that you would never ever permit.
“What many parents don’t realise is that when the soundtrack on a game has a beat that is greater than the child’s heart rate, the thinking brain shuts down after a few minutes, and the content of the game goes into the limbic system – the part of the brain that governs our emotions, beliefs and values.
“We need to be the gatekeepers of what our children are exposed to. We need to get a sense of who our kids are connected with, who they’re talking to. And we need to be vigilant without seeming to be so.”
Cybernannies
Parents are giving up more and more control – how many of us are happy to switch on the TV just so we can have a few minutes of peace? “And that’s okay occasionally,” says Nikki, “But in the holidays, some kids are watching more than seven hours of TV a day, because their parents are at work and not able to monitor their screen time.
“And nannies, au pairs and babysitters do the same thing when they’re tired. In the process, children may be exposed to a lot of inappropriate stuff. Kids aged seven to 12 are bombarded with around 5 000 marketing messages a week – are you there to mediate the conversation?”
Conscious parenting
The key is to be conscious, to be fully present when you’re with your children, and not distracted by the everyday busyness of your own life. Switch off the car radio; don’t multitask while they’re talking to you. Try and have at least one meal a day where the family eats together and has a conversation.
“The Youth Dynamix YouthTrax survey showed that 16- to 24-year-olds say family is still their primary role model,” says Nikki, “Family is the only place where they know they are loved for who they are. And it is so important that we understand that kids want quality time with us.”
We also need to be on the alert for any behavioural changes. “If something does change, don’t get hysterical,” says Nikki. “Stay calm, lower your voice, and let the child know you’re serious, even though they will try to provoke you sometimes.”
She suggests counteracting high-tech with high-touch; in other words, building good relationships with your children, and starting when they’ve very young, so that they trust you over and above all the many other messages they receive.
“You need to position yourself as a hero in your child’s life story,” concludes Nikki. “If you don’t, someone else will. Use technology to your advantage, and get the best out of it – for your children’s sake.”
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