A new kind of parenting for a new era
Facilitate : Make easy; create opportunity; promote action/result
Mentor : Experienced and trusted advisor; coach
Coach : Tutor; trainer
While mentoring, coaching and facilitation are words commonly bandied about in business circles, they apply as much to parents as they do to company executives. They are precisely the kind of techniques that parents are being encouraged to use in bringing up their children today!
Does this mean that discipline is going out the door, or that our lives must become totally child-centred? No, on the contrary, says educational psychologist Ilze van der Merwe. “When you facilitate someone’s growth and development (whether they are an adult or a child), you create opportunities to help them learn and discover the lessons for themselves, while you facilitate and manage the process. Because you are the parent, you are an experienced and trusted advisor to your child, perfectly positioned to take on the role of coach.
“As we are all becoming aware, the best form of learning is through personal experience because it creates a meaningful learning experience – one that will be remembered and understood so that it can be used to make important life decisions. Empowering children by allowing them to make their own choices starts early on with things such as:
- choosing to tidy up after playing with toys or not
- saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
- saving or spending pocket money
- whether to wear the red or white T-shirt
Gaining experience in decision-making as a child, through the experience of having to make choices, will help to develop a more empowered teenager who will be better able to handle more adult choices with confidence, like:
- whether to study or play computer games
- whether or not to try smoking or drugs
- whether to have sex before or after marriage
- what career to choose
Ilze explains that the key to the choices you give your children – and this applies from around the age of three – is that you always offer two choices in any given situation, and both of them must work for you. For example: “It’s time to get dressed for school, do you want to wear the pink dress or the orange one?” This takes the stress off you, as it doesn’t matter which choice your child makes. The child is empowered and he/she must live with the consequences of his/her choice. “So you still provide your child with boundaries and limits, but they have the power of choice within those boundaries which, while providing flexibility, also teaches the following:
- you believe in their ability to make choices (self-esteem)
- empowerment, by letting them make their own choices (self-esteem and self-confidence)
- living with the consequences of their choices (self-responsibility and self-motivation)
- giving the child some positive control over his/her life (self-motivation and self-confidence)
Of course there are many situations in which giving children choice is not an option, however, facilitation is about parents identifying teachable moments during everyday events, making learning meaningful because it takes place in a real life context, like getting dressed in the morning, on journeys in the car, in the supermarket, in friends’ homes, in restaurants, and more.
Coaching your child through facilitation is a much more creative approach to parenting than the autocratic “you will do as I say” style (which takes all control away from the child), or the laissez faire “do as you like” style (which can make children feel less safe and insecure), both of which have characterised various periods in recent parenting history.
Effective facilitation requires thinking parents who are committed to their own growth and development – parents who are on the ball, have their fingers on the pulse of things, who are conscious of where they ‘are at’ personally, and where their child ‘is at’ at any given moment (emotionally, physically and intellectually). They are aware of what’s going on in the environment in which they are parenting right now, and can respond creatively in most situations.
Dr Kobus Neethling and Rache Rutherford, well-known experts in the field of creativity and intelligence, believe mentoring and coaching children by facilitating and not dictating their development is one of the key techniques in assisting parents to start playing their role with creativity, morality and dignity.
They believe that parents of the 21st century should receive special training on an ongoing basis. “If we could become the creative mentors to our children allowing their inherent passion, energy, courage, creativity and endurance to develop dynamically, I believe that man will once gain be able to perform the miracles which are part of his heritage. If you, as parent, do not consider yourself important enough to grow and develop maximally and cannot manage yourself with skill and insight, what chance does your child have, who is completely in your hands?” says Kobus Neethling.
This is the era in which parents and children alike need to constantly be growing, evolving and developing. It is an era characterised by change at a speed never before experienced by mankind, and so one of the most important traits for human beings to develop is inner stability. “If the environment isn’t stable, we need stability within to help us manage ourselves in the environment, and to stop us from literally freaking out. Inner stability will be our compass, our due North, and parents must take responsibility for helping their children to develop this strength.”
“Dealing with choices and being held responsible for decisions is wonderful practice for youngsters. It prepares them for the lifetime of decision-making required of all responsible people,” says Ilze, who trains parents in the art of giving children choices. She insists, though, that parents should not offer choices unless they are willing to make sure the child will have to live with the consequences. “Effective parents know that their children need to learn from their mistakes. Mistakes are often better teachers than parents who lecture.”
Ilze van der Merwe is an educational psychologist and play therapist. She runs the Bella Vida Therapy Centre in Gauteng. Ilze is the mother of two teenage children and she gives regular talks and trainings to groups of teachers and parents. Telephone: (011) 463-4438.
Dr Kobus Neethling and Rache Rutherford run the Neethling Group of companies dedicated to creating personal and organisational breakthroughs by developing whole-brain thinking. Among his 75 published books is the Smart Parents series, a must have for parents today. Kobus Neethling has been honoured with many awards over the past few years and was recently nominated one of the world’s top 25 most creative people. Telephone: (011) 848-0120.
